The way to make friends at a new job is to be consistently friendly in small ways, repeat contact with the same few people, and make one specific invitation when you know someone a little. In the first week, learn names and say hello. In the first month, have a coffee or lunch with a few colleagues. By the end of three months you will usually have a handful of people you chat with comfortably, and maybe one or two you see outside work. Friendships take time, so treat this as a plan, not a deadline.
This page is about a new job specifically. For an overview of workplace friendships at any stage, see how to make friends at work.
Why the first 90 days matter
When you start a job, everyone is curious about you and willing to answer questions. That window closes. After a few weeks, groups have routines and you become part of the background. The first months are when asking "where do you usually get lunch?" feels natural.
There is also a practical reason. Colleagues who know you are more likely to help when you get stuck, and a few friendly relationships make work easier even if they never become friendships outside the office.
None of this requires you to be outgoing. It requires you to be regular.
Before day one
- Learn what you can. Look at the team page or org chart if you have one, so names aren't a total blank.
- Prepare your intro. Two sentences: who you are, what you will be doing, and one small personal detail. See how to introduce yourself at a new job.
- Plan to eat lunch with people at least a few days in the first week, not at your desk every day.
- Check the culture. Some workplaces are social, others private. Watch before you decide how to act.
Week-by-week plan
| Week | Focus | Actions |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Be visible | Say hello to everyone you pass; learn five names; ask one question a day; eat lunch away from your desk |
| 2 | Find your people | Notice who you chat easily with; ask about their role; accept any invitation |
| 3 | First invitation | Invite one person to coffee or lunch with a specific time |
| 4 | Widen the circle | Invite someone from a different team; join a group lunch |
| 5-6 | Repeat | Invite the first person again; ask a follow-up about something they mentioned |
| 7-8 | Add a shared task | Offer help, suggest a joint project, or share a useful resource |
| 9-10 | Join something recurring | A team ritual, interest group, walk, or sports team |
| 11-12 | One step outside work | A short plan outside the office (see below) |
| 13 | Review | Who do you enjoy? Where do you want more time? |
Adjust the pace to your workplace and personality. If the plan feels too much, halve it.
Week 1: be visible, not impressive
You do not need to be charming. You need to be there.
- Greet people by name when you can. If you cannot remember, "Hi, I'm [name], we met briefly. Remind me yours?" is fine.
- Ask one question a day. "How long have you been on this team?" "What did you do before?" "What's good to eat around here?"
- Say yes to lunch invitations, quick coffees and team events when you can.
- Don't force deep conversation. Short and warm is enough.
If you freeze, our guide on starting a conversation with a coworker has more lines: start a conversation with a coworker.
Weeks 2 to 4: the first invitation
Most people wait to be invited. Be the one who invites. It feels bold but it often comes as a relief to the other person.
Lunch invitation script
- "Do you want to grab lunch on Thursday? I'm still learning where to go."
- "I'm heading out for a coffee at 3. Want to come?"
- "I'd love to hear how you got into this role. Could I buy you a coffee this week?"
Give a specific time and make it easy to decline. If they say no, "No worries, another time" is enough. Try someone else, and ask the first person again in a week or two.
What to talk about
Work is a good opening, but move gradually to the person.
- Work: "How did you end up here?" "What's the best part of the team?"
- Neighbourhood: "Do you live nearby?" "Any good places around?"
- Time outside work: "Do you do anything fun on weekends?"
- Shared tastes: food, books, shows, sport.
Share something about yourself for every question you ask. Friendships form when information is mutual. For help with small talk, see how to make small talk.
Months 2 and 3: from colleague to friend
- Repeat. Ask the same person again. Familiarity is what turns "pleasant colleague" into "friend".
- Follow up on details. "How was your trip?" "Did the interview go OK?" Remembering is the strongest signal of interest.
- Offer help. A useful shortcut, a document, a recommendation.
- Join recurring things. A team lunch, a walking group, an interest channel, a sports night. Repeated contact does the work for you.
- Suggest one thing outside work. A short, easy plan: "A few of us are going for a walk by the river on Saturday. Do you want to come?" or "I'm going to a film on Friday. Interested?"
Not everyone wants friends from work. If someone declines outside-work plans, accept it warmly and keep the workplace friendship as it is.
Remote and hybrid workplaces
Making friends is harder when you rarely meet. Adjust the plan:
- Message one person a week with a non-work question or a share ("Saw this and thought of you").
- Suggest a virtual coffee with a specific time: "Want to do a 20-minute coffee call on Wednesday?"
- Turn up on office days. Choose the days others attend and eat together.
- Join optional channels and say something kind there.
- Meet in person when there is an offsite or team day.
What to avoid
- Gossip. It feels like bonding but marks you as someone who talks about others. Be pleasant and neutral.
- Picking sides. Stay friendly with everyone for the first months.
- Over-sharing too soon. Share a bit at a time.
- Trying too hard. One genuine conversation beats five forced ones.
- Giving up after one no. People are busy; it is rarely personal.
Our guide on how to socialize at work covers office dynamics in more detail.
If you are introverted or anxious
Choose one-to-one settings over big groups, schedule recovery time after social events and use short, planned exchanges. A good target is one small interaction a day. If your worries about work are heavy or persistent, talk to a doctor or therapist; this page is general information, not medical advice.
Solo Era is an iPhone app for practising small steps alone, with before-and-after nervousness ratings; it has no workplace features. A mission such as "Thank someone for a specific helpful action" is a way to rehearse the kind of short, easy exchange that starts a workplace friendship.
Solo Era for iPhone
Practise starting small conversations
Rate how nervous you feel before and after a small step, and see the change over time. Free to download. A subscription is required to start missions. Prices and any free trial are shown in the app and depend on the offer and eligibility.
FAQ
How long does it take to make friends at a new job?
It varies. Many people feel comfortable with a few colleagues within weeks, but real friendships often take months of repeated contact. Treat 90 days as a useful frame, not a deadline.
Should I ask a colleague to lunch in my first week?
Yes, if you feel ready. A casual, specific invitation is welcome, and you can say you are still learning the area. If you are not ready, say hello and ask a question; invite someone in the second or third week.
What if everyone already has their friend groups?
Start with individuals instead of groups. Invite one person at a time, and join recurring activities where groups mix. Established groups often take in new members who show up regularly.
What if I work remotely?
Message a colleague one-to-one, suggest short virtual coffees and attend any in-person days. See the remote section above.
Is it a mistake to be friends with coworkers?
It depends on the workplace and the people. Many people enjoy workplace friendships; some prefer to keep work and private life separate. Be friendly, set your own boundaries and avoid gossip.
How do I follow up if someone says no to lunch?
Say "No problem" and try again in a couple of weeks with a different plan, such as a coffee. If they keep declining, move on warmly.
Solo Era for iPhone
Try it with Solo Era
Solo Era gives you one realistic mission a week, records how nervous you felt before and after, and keeps a photo journal of what you did. An iPhone app. A subscription is required to start missions; any free trial depends on the offer and eligibility shown in the app.
