To find your values, look at what you already do and feel: the moments you felt most alive, the things that make you angry, and the people you admire. Write the themes behind them, narrow the list to five words and test each against a real decision. It takes about 30 minutes and gives you a short list you can use to decide what to say yes and no to.
What values are (and are not)
A value is a quality you want your life to express, such as honesty, curiosity, calm, adventure, family or fairness. It's a direction, not a finish line. You don't "complete" curiosity. You act in line with it.
Values differ from goals ("run a 10k"), rules ("never be late") and feelings ("be happy"). A goal can serve a value: running might serve health or discipline. And values differ from other people's expectations, which is the main trap in this exercise. Your list should come from you, not from what sounds impressive.
Before you start
You need 30 minutes, paper or a notes app, and a place without interruptions. Phone away. There are no right answers. If a prompt leaves you blank, skip it and return later.
| Block | Time | Output |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Peak moments | 7 min | 3 stories |
| 2. Frustrations | 5 min | 3 irritations |
| 3. Admiration | 5 min | 3 people or traits |
| 4. Find themes | 5 min | 10-15 words |
| 5. Narrow to five | 5 min | Top five |
| 6. Test | 3 min | One decision tested |
Block 1: Peak moments (7 minutes)
Think of three times in your life when you felt most alive, proud or satisfied. They don't have to be big. A quiet evening, a project you finished, a trip, an afternoon with a friend all count.
For each one, write:
- What was happening?
- What were you doing?
- What made it meaningful?
Look at what was present in the moment, such as freedom, learning, helping, creating or belonging. Those are clues to values.
Block 2: Frustrations (5 minutes)
Values often show up as their opposite. Write three things that bother or anger you, in work, life or the news. Then flip each one:
| Frustration | Flip: what I care about |
|---|---|
| People who break promises | Reliability, integrity |
| Being micromanaged | Autonomy, trust |
| Wasting time in pointless meetings | Purpose, efficiency |
| Feeling unheard | Respect, connection |
If autonomy came up, see the glossary entry for autonomy. Notice any pattern that shows up more than once.
Block 3: Admiration (5 minutes)
Write three people you admire, real or fictional, and what you admire about them. Avoid famous names you feel you "should" list. Choose people whose traits actually pull you. Write the traits as words: courage, kindness, patience, craft, humour, independence.
Be honest about envy. Sometimes what you envy points to what you want.
Block 4: Find themes (5 minutes)
Collect all the words you've written. Add any that come to mind. Then group similar ones. For example, "freedom", "independence" and "autonomy" may sit together, as may "learning", "curiosity" and "growth".
If you want a starter menu, scan this list and circle ten that strike you:
| Group | Words |
|---|---|
| Relationships | connection, family, friendship, loyalty, kindness, belonging |
| Growth | curiosity, learning, courage, challenge, mastery, creativity |
| Inner life | calm, honesty, gratitude, reflection, faith, simplicity |
| Independence | freedom, autonomy, self-reliance, adventure, solitude |
| Contribution | service, fairness, responsibility, impact, generosity |
| Wellbeing | health, balance, play, rest, nature |
This menu is a prompt, not a test. Add your own words.
Block 5: Narrow to five (5 minutes)
From your 10-15 words, choose five. Use these filters:
- Cut "should" words. If a value is there because you think you ought to, drop it.
- Merge twins. If two words mean the same for you, keep the one that feels truer.
- Choose action words. Prefer values you could act on this week.
Write each value with a one-line meaning in your own words:
- Curiosity: I try new things and ask questions.
- Calm: I leave room in my week and avoid rushing.
- Connection: I invest time in a few close people.
Two to three sentences per value is plenty.
Block 6: Test your values (3 minutes)
Check each value against real life.
Test 1: A recent decision. Pick a decision you made lately. Which values did it serve? Which did it ignore? How did you feel about it?
Test 2: Next week's calendar. Look at the coming seven days. Which values show up in your time? Which are missing? This gap is where growth often lies.
| Value | Where it shows up next week | Where it's missing |
|---|---|---|
| Curiosity | A new recipe | Nothing new outside |
| Calm | Evening walk | Back-to-back meetings |
| Connection | Call with a sister | No time with friends |
Turn values into small actions
A value is only useful if it changes what you do. For each of your five, write one tiny action for the next week:
- Curiosity: visit one place you've never been.
- Calm: keep one evening free.
- Connection: send one message to a friend.
- Independence: do one thing alone that you usually do with others.
Add these to your personal growth plan. If you want to dig deeper, the self-reflection questions provide more prompts, and if your values suggest a bigger change in direction, how to reinvent yourself can help you plan it in steps.
Common questions people hit
- "I don't know what I value." Start with block 1. Stories reveal more than abstract words.
- "My values conflict." That's normal. Honesty and kindness can pull in different directions. Naming the conflict helps you choose consciously.
- "My values don't match my life." That's useful information. Pick one gap and take one small step.
- "They changed." Fine. Values shift with life stages. Re-run the exercise.
If thinking about this stirs up distress, or you feel stuck and low for a long time, this is general information, not medical advice. A doctor or licensed therapist can support you, and findahelpline.com lists free local helplines.
Where Solo Era fits
Solo Era is an iPhone app for practising doing things alone. If one of your values is independence, curiosity or solitude, you can turn it into small solo outings, and the journal lets you keep a photo and notes with each completed mission. You can also write a custom mission of your own. Free to download. A subscription is required to start missions.
Solo Era for iPhone
Turn a value into a custom mission
Write a mission for your own value in Solo Era, such as a curiosity outing, and keep a journal entry of how it went.
FAQ
How many values should I have?
Five is a good number to remember and use. Some people prefer three. More than seven becomes a wish list.
Can values change over time?
Yes. Life stages, experiences and relationships shift what matters. Revisit your list once or twice a year.
What if my values conflict with someone else's?
That happens in families and workplaces. Knowing your own values helps you explain what matters and find compromises.
Is this the same as setting goals?
No. Goals are specific results. Values are the directions that make goals meaningful. Use values to choose goals.
How do I know a value is really mine?
Check whether you'd keep acting on it if nobody noticed. If yes, it's likely yours.
Solo Era for iPhone
Try it with Solo Era
Solo Era gives you one realistic mission a week, records how nervous you felt before and after, and keeps a photo journal of what you did. An iPhone app. A subscription is required to start missions; any free trial depends on the offer and eligibility shown in the app.
